Overkill

To: aceofspades_kingofhearts_joker@therollingstones.com
From: agent@edvictor.co.uk
Subject: new email address
Date: 15 June 2007 22:51:50

Dear Keith,

Sorry I’ve been out of touch, but as you’d changed your email address again I was having quite a time getting hold of you. Thankfully I was finally able to get the new one from Mick, who’s been more than helpful throughout this process.

We’re on the home stretch now, and I plan to submit the proposal and excerpt to a select group of editors. I’ve looked over your proposed list, and while I appreciate the time you’ve taken to compile it, I’d as gently as possible like to suggest that you let me handle the publishing industry details. For instance, the late Jacqueline Onassis is no longer an editor, and Pirate Meridian Cherry Bomb Press does not exist as far as I know.

I’m thrilled with your willingness to solicit favorable comments – what we in the industry call “blurbs” – from your friends in the music business. I’m still worried that Robert Johnson and John Lennon being dead might complicate your plans, but you’ve assured me it’s of no consequence, and I’m happy to keep an open mind. I think a blurb from Jesus might be overkill, though.

Finally, while I appreciate the playful spirit in which you let loose a hundred gold-armored mongooses in our offices, I must confess that they made work a bit hard to get done. Svetlana, in particular, seemed to have a real problem, as her only recently-returned lucidity was dealt a blow due to traumatic memories of her time at the Richards Estate. Our filing has fallen seriously behind as a result.

All best,
Ed

Memory

To: robert_johnsons_bastard_son@therollingstones.com
From: agent@edvictor.co.uk
Subject: re: Outline Fuck Yeah
Date: 01 May 2007 09:00:26

Dear Keith,

I’ve read your proposed outline for the memoir, and I think it’s quite good, very vivid and detailed. I might ask that you really make an effort to cast your mind back and recall more stories from the short periods of your life of which you profess to have no memory at all. Specifically, are you sure you don't remember anything from 1956, 1957, 1959, 1961-1963, 1964, 1966, 1968-1972, spring 1973, 1975-1977, “the Eighties,” 1990-1993, New Year’s Eve 1996, 1999, 2000, or 2002 to the present? Even a quick anecdote of the smallest detail – a favorite shirt, some friendly words from a girlfriend, your entire Rolling Stones discography – could really help sell the book to editors. (We’ve done some research here and determined that you were born in 1943, so you shouldn’t worry about your lack of memories of the French Revolution; you weren’t even there!)

Best wishes,
Ed

PS Your gift arrived in the mail; it was far, far too generous, Keith. Also, the package was signed for by my assistant Sean, and the Royal Mail’s reported him to the police. Please do be careful in future about what you send to our offices.